from Denial of the Fittest, midway through the play, Judith stands: performed, written and conceived by Judith Sloan in collaboration with Warren Lehrer ©1998
Excerpt from the middle of the play
A friend of mine gave me a suicide prevention number. The lady asked me why I called. I said, “I don’t really know.” She said, “Is it an emergency?” I said, “I don’t think so. Could I come down in twenty minutes?” They referred me to this therapist who would see me for free.
Moves to chair, down right. Judith moves chair with each new therapist.
The therapist said she thought I was in a rage. Then she said, “You think you’re angry now, wait till you get in touch with your feelings.”
Picks up chair and moves to a new place as she says the next line.
So I went to another therapist for a free consultation. I said, “I think I want to die.” urns out she knew who I was. She said, “What are you crazy? You just had a review in the Washington Post, a piece in the New York Times, a big show coming up, people would kill for that kind of exposure. You have everything to live for.
Picks up chair and moves to a new place as she says the next line.
My next free consultation was with a therapist who said, “Look, look at your life, you’re talented, you’re funny, you’re young, your pretty. What have you got to be worried about?
Picks up chair and moves to a new place as she says the next line.
I told the next therapist, “I can’t sleep, I keep dreaming that I’m consumed by fire. I’m having nightmares in the middle of the day. I sit at my typewriter and for the first time nothing is coming out — my mind is flooded with noise. I keep thinking about suicide but I can’t kill myself, because six-hundred people are coming to a show in two weeks and what will they think?” He said, “You’re going through a typical traumatic transition; a T. T. T.” Then he took out his sliding scale, asked me if I would come again the day after tomorrow, and wrote me out a prescription for Valium.
Judith gets up in a panic.
I gave up on shrinks, went to the library and took out half a dozen psychology books. It turned out, according to the books, I was exhibiting all the symptoms of survivors of childhood trauma! Which didn’t make any sense to me because I had a perfectly happy childhood. I did. Really, I did. So I concluded, naturally, that I was simply out of my mind!
I took the stack of books, a copy of my press packet, and walked into the Connecticut State Mental Health Center. I showed the lady my brochure and said, “You see , you see? I turn myself into all these different people for a living. I think I want to die.” Fortunately instead of putting me in a straight jacket, giving me a shot of thorazine and locking me up in isolation, she referred me to Mary.
Sits back down in same chair.
I told Mary, “Really strange things are happening. I have this watch that my mother gave me. It started going faster and faster. First five minutes, then ten, then a half hour fast. And I was showing up 15 minutes early to everything, which is really strange because I’m usually late. Then one day I was looking at the watch and the hands started moving backwards and I felt like time was going backwards and my mind was unraveling, and then the watch broke. I think it’s really significant.
Then I told her, I haven’t slept in months. I think there’s something wrong with all the pictures in my head. I think I want to die. You see this lover I was living with for four years fell in love with one of my best friends on the anniversary of my father’s death, Ach! and then I jumped into bed with this man I met at volleyball. I don’t know why I did it I hardly knew him. And then I started getting all these really crazy letters from my mother, grblitiblity, bluthagibert, zbsjuftr, blutha blutha blutha blutha and then lutha blutha blutha blutha and blutha blutha blutha blutha blutha blutha blutha, and then I don’t even do any drugs bulthagll blutha blulutha and then my car, you know how machinery blutha blutha blutha bla you wanna see the books? chwsicowickowh skjdf wiydhsoiehj blgiba.!!@#! @#! @ bjudgkwokwhwysdj dkowa!”
She freezes, standing up on the chair, does a double take and quickly sits down
She waited till I was through, looked me straight in the eye and said, “I think somewhere along the line you got the message that you should be dead. Let’s find out how.”
The play continues.....
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